A couple of weeks ago, as Mother’s Day approached, I felt out of sorts.

Those advertisements from furniture and household appliances stores or chain restaurants promoting good deals weren’t doing much to lighten my mood either.

Maybe age is catching up…

Then I went to revisit my children’s gifts to me every Mother’s Day (from the time they were preschoolers). The handmade ones were the most rewarding to revisit because the children had spent time and thought to make them, with whatever resources they possessed at hand. Those were truly gifts from the heart.

And I would accept them, without voicing criticism.

So why was it that, as they got older, I did not hold back on criticism and instead, used “judgement” to assess their actions, thoughts and behaviour?

 

 

Then I decided that this upcoming Mother’s Day would be different from the previous – I wanted to clearly express to my family how I felt and what I wanted.

The first thing that caught my eye as I scanned my surroundings at home was the laundry. So that went into the first request on the family’s WhatsApp chat group.

1. Laundry

Please put the clean laundry back in your cupboards without me having to nag you.

2.  An expression of appreciation every day, not just on special occasions

A spontaneous phone call to ask if I need anything from the store, a surprise gift, a text message checking in on my well-being, or a funny emoticon sent my way. All these gestures add up. It’s the daily acts of care that matter most.

3. Spare a thought for my health and well-being

I recently learned from a Health and Wellness course that women die prematurely due to strokes (you know that ailment that ruptures one’s blood vessel in the brain when one’s brain goes into ‘overthink’). Prolonged stress and worry over time accumulate.

4. Stay on task

Stay focused and see your studies through to completion.

5. Carry out family tasks promptly

When I request that you update your schedules on our family calendar on the Cozi app, please remember to do it. You are helping me in more ways than one.

For instance, if I know ahead of time you won’t be back for dinner on any day of the week,  I won’t need to plan a meal for you. That means I save a trip to the market, avoiding unnecessary meal preparation, and freeing up time for my personal pursuits.

Remember, besides being your mother, I also juggle other personal roles. I want to live a purposeful and fulfilling life too.

So what happened after I shared what I needed in the chat group?

Not quite what I had expected…

My younger child (now all of 15 years old) retorted that I should listen to her too! My ‘little-r’ daughter, who used to grip my hand whenever she felt shy or fearful, was no more. She was growing into her own person. Her other comments made later made me realise I too had not been listening to them in ways that mattered to them.

As a result of my direct rants, that Mother’s Day seemed more subdued than usual…

On that day, my daughters got the hint and bought me nothing from the store.

It was a day free from cooking and washing…I did no chores!

There was one part of the day when my feathers were a little ruffled after my older daughter walked up to me and casually asked if her tchoukball gloves had been washed: she instantly retreated when I cast her a ‘Medusa look’.

We had lunch out. I wanted to eat ‘Nasi Lemak’ so the whole family trooped to Adam Road Food Centre.

It was like a quarter of Singapore’s residents had decided to eat Nasi Lemak that day at Adam Road  Food Centre. Not a person to join in a snaking queue, I bought a plate of ‘Nasi Lemak’ from a nondescript stall where only two people stood in front of me.

I blissfully tucked into my meal. It was momentously the best ‘Nasi Lemak’ then and there!

My teenage children stared in disbelief at me as I happily crunched on a crispy fish.

My husband was used to my idiosyncrasies by now (after 22 years of marriage, he would be ^^)

At that moment, nothing beat that feeling of having one’s requests being heard without judgment and also having the opportunity to spend time with my loved ones.

My needs being met..yum yum!

Well…did any good come out of my rants?

There was some follow-up. The next morning, a cup was put back where it belonged.

A couple of days later, the teenagers’ bedroom was neatened – without any reminders or nagging from me.

On top of that, hubby dear announced he would be increasing his share of home expenses starting the following month. My heart felt full; my requests were being attended to.

All in all, it was a memorable Mother’s Day.

One of the biggest insights I gained was that being listened to is a two-way street. I also learned that I had to express requests clearly for them to be understood, before they could be followed up on.

I had come to understand that I needed to adapt and change the way I spoke and responded to my children’s growing needs, to clarify what they needed there and then, to make time, to try and solve a problem together. By doing so, I think my children were picking up on my effort to try and understand them better, and they began modelling that same effort and responsiveness in return.

It made me realise that perhaps we raise children to prepare them, to navigate the wider world and, we are just their ‘temporary’ custodians perhaps? They are not ours to own. They never were, to begin with, I guess.

If, as parents, we do not acknowledge their changing needs and hold in regard their individuality, I guess they will struggle to adjust to adulthood and carve out their own paths in the wider world.

All that mentioned, one thing’s for certain, how much longer will we be around to buffer all the challenges that life will throw our way?

#ageing #parenting #family #mothersday #mothers #mother #lettingo #selfrespect #modeling